“The baby was crying and crying. There was nothing we could do to comfort her. We had hardly any sleep and were exhausted. At one point, we looked at each other and said ….”Did we make a mistake?”
I had just heard this last week from a new mom. I was filling in for the Lactation Consultant at the Maternity Clinic here in town and leading the group breastfeeding drop in session. It’s an opportunity for moms (and dads) to get the breastfeeding support they need and to have all their questions about newborns answered.
And it’s an opportunity for parents to talk openly and honestly about what they are experiencing.
That mom and her partner had one of those moments that new parents face when the enormity of what has happened to their lives hits home.
They wonder,
“Can we really do this?
Do we have any idea what we are doing?
Is this what the rest of our lives will be like?
Will we ever be “normal” again?”
In my 30+ years of helping new parents, I can honestly say that virtually every new parent feels like that at some point.
There is nothing quite as miraculous, as terrifying, as exalted, and as overwhelming, as the arrival of a new little human into your life.
No matter how much you read, how many moms you have spoken to, how many prenatal classes you have attended, there really is nothing that prepares you for the complete and total upheaval that takes place in your life once a baby arrives.
People are often astounded at the intensity of love they feel for this tiny being.
Even though you have just met, you know that you would do anything and everything for your baby.
It breaks your heart to hear them cry.
It tears you apart when you can’t comfort them.
It also makes you feel helpless and inadequate when you can’t comfort them.
And sometimes you just can’t. Sometimes newborns are almost inconsolable.
At the new parent group the other day, some of the moms were feeling really inadequate because their babies were fussy, and they thought they were doing something wrong.
They couldn’t distinguish their babies’ cries. they didn’t know why they seemed so unhappy.
Was it a hunger cry, or a change me cry, or I have gas cry?
They thought they should be able to tell because they read that they should. Or their friend told them that they should. They thought that if they could distinguish their babies cries they would know what to do.
And because they couldn’t, they felt they weren’t a “good enough” parent.
We talked a bit about why babies fuss. They have such an enormous adjustment to make to the world outside the womb. Their nervous systems, digestive systems, and respiratory systems are so new and so immature.
They really, by all measures, should have at least another three months in the womb, but they don’t.
That makes being on this planet very challenging. A lot of newborn crying is simply “I really miss being in the womb. I’m homesick!”
That’s why they want and need to be held so much.
That’s why they cry when you put them down. After being all snug and cocooned for nine months, being left on their own can feel terrifying to a newborn.
I offered some suggestions for some nursing adjustments that might help, and some general things they could do to help their babies be more comfortable.
I also told them that I could never tell my babies’ cries apart and the bottom line is, it doesn’t really matter.
The important thing is to do whatever you can to comfort them.
Try nursing first.
Try burping.
Try “bicycling” their little legs and rubbing their tummies to help them pass the gas.
Try dancing to music.
Try turning on the vacuum cleaner.
Try walking outside.
Try a car ride.
Try a bath.
Try lots of skin to skin contact
Try wearing them in a carrier throughout the day.
The fundamental message you want to give your baby is that you are totally and completely there for them.
You may not be able to relieve their discomfort, but you will hold them and love them through it. If you do that, you are more than a “good enough” parent.
You are a wonderful parent.
For the moms and dad in the group, knowing that there was no magic bullet, that everyone else was wrestling with the same issues, helped them feel a lot better.
So many parents believe that all the other parents know what they are doing, except them.
And that is so not true!
I had a friend whose third baby was super high needs. He just cried and cried, and, even though she was a really experienced mom, she just couldn’t comfort him.
But because she was experienced, she didn’t take it on as her inadequacy. She knew that this baby was just different and had different and more intense needs. Her solution was to wear him in the carrier all day, and when the crying got too much for her, she’d put headphones on and listen to music.
Eventually, once he finished the newborn stage, he settled down and was a happy secure little guy.
It takes time to feel like you know what you are doing.
If you are used to being highly competent and in control of your life, having a new baby can feel like an out of control roller coaster ride.
That’s because it is.
There are things you can do to help yourself feel more settled and secure.
Here are some suggestions.
- Know that it is really honestly true, that every baby is different. It takes time to get to know your baby. Ultimately, no one will know your baby as well as you do. Trust your instincts!
- Don’t be ashamed if your baby fusses a lot. It’s because they are so new (mostly). Sometimes a small adjustment in breastfeeding management can help a lot. Ask for help if you need it.
- If you are really concerned about how your baby is doing, contact your health practitioner and have your baby checked out. Health professionals are used to insecure parents (because most new parents are insecure).
- Don’t be ashamed of not knowing what you are doing. Neither does anyone else with a new baby.
- You absolutely CANNOT spoil a baby. Babies cries are meant to be disturbing. They are a call to action and a call for help. Nature made it that way so that your baby will be taken care of.
- Ask for help with meals, cleaning, or shopping. Accept it when it is offered.
- If you are having breastfeeding problems, ask for help from knowledgeable people – your doctor, midwife or doula, a lactation consultant, La Leche League Leader or Public Health Nurse.
- The internet is filled with misinformation. If you are going to research breastfeeding, stay away from mommy blogs. They just tell one person’s experience and may be totally inappropriate for your baby. My personal favourite online resource is kellymom.com. It is well researched, up to date, and has only evidence-based information.
- Don’t read “What to Expect in the First Year”. It is filled with misinformation and contributes to parents feeling inadequate. It also encourages you to go against your instincts. There are much better books out there. (contact me and I’ll make suggestions)
- Attend support groups like La Leche League, Mom and Me groups, or whatever is offered in your community. This way you can meet other moms and develop a community.
- Get out of the house. Fresh air is wonderful for you and your baby.
- It’s tempting to turn on your partner when you are exhausted and overwhelmed. Be real with each other and figure out how you can support each other. You are both under a lot of stress.
- Eat! If someone can cook for you, great. If not, this is a great time for take-out. If you are cooking, cook enough for several meals at a time. Have lots of healthy snacks on hand.
- Drink lots of water. Nursing makes you very thirsty. Your body is telling you that you need lots of fluid to make all that milk.
- If you are really feeling overwhelmed and cannot enjoy your newborn at all, talk to your health professional and get some help. You don’t want to spiral down into depression.
- And my favourite piece of advice of all, is listen to your baby, and listen to your heart.
The newborn stage can be a shock to the system. For many parents, the first three months, especially the time between 3 and 8 weeks, are the most challenging. It may seem like the longest three months of your life.
But over the course of those three months you will see miraculous changes in your baby.
Every day is different. Every day they are more “here”.
Every day you learn a little more.
Before you know it, the day will come when your little precious being will look at you and smile.
You’ve made it through the hardest part. Your baby loves you. You know that you have arrived!
And suddenly, life will look so much better.
