I was going to write about dressing babies for the cold this week.
But got sidetracked by all the news about sexual and domestic violence.
The topic, of course, is not new.
But the fact that it is being brought into the open and that women are coming forward in an unprecedented way is news.
Given the statistics, I would suspect that many of the women reading this blog post have themselves been victims of sexual or domestic assault.
As parents of girls and/or boys, the thought of our precious daughters being viciously attacked is horrifying. The thought of our precious sons attacking a girl or woman is equally horrifying.
In some ways, we feel powerless to prevent this, but we are not.
Finding out that some of our most “loved” media heroes, like Jian Ghomeshi and Bill Cosby, have this very dark, violent and abusive side to their personalities that they chose to act on, was profoundly disillusioning for millions of people.
How is it possible that these men, successful, wealthy, adored by millions, could behave like that?
Everyone has angry feelings, gets frustrated, has “needs” or moments of low self-esteem.
But unless someone has serious mental health problems, the act of violence against a smaller and weaker person, is a decision made by an individual.
And that decision is supported by a society and culture that believes and teaches its children that women are “less than” men and are fair game (through language and toxic media).
Thus violence against women is excusable, understandable, and justified, and the lack of compassion towards women is a sign of “manliness”.
From everything we know about how we become who we are, adult values, beliefs and behaviours all have their roots in childhood experiences.
And one of the ways to begin to end this abuse of women is to address our childrearing with a clear sense of what kind of people we want our children to become.
According to the Canadian Centre for Women and Children in the Justice System, there are consistent identifiable characteristics of abusive men. Some are listed below; (click on the link to see the full list):
- Need for control: “Control is the “overarching behavioural characteristic” of abusive men,
- Sense of entitlement: “Entitlement is the “overarching attitudinal characteristic” of abusive men, a belief in having special rights without responsibilities”
- Selfishness and self-centredness: “An expectation of being the centre of attention, having his needs anticipated”
- Superiority: “Contempt for women as stupid, unworthy, a sex object or as a housekeeper.”
- Possessiveness: “Seeing a woman and his children as property.”
When I look at this list I see, first of all, someone with a fundamental sense of emptiness, someone profoundly lacking in self-love, self-worth and self-esteem who only feels good by demeaning and controlling others.
No one who feels really good about his or herself gets any satisfaction from hurting others.
From a preventative perspective, directing our parenting towards ensuring our children feel deeply and profoundly loved every day, is the most important parenting task.
As part of this, here are some things to keep in mind.
- Children have deep and profound needs for love, attention and affection. Love never spoils children. Not meeting those needs leaves an empty space in children’s hearts.
- Children need positive guidance and direction. They need to be taught how to behave. It doesn’t come naturally.
- When our children frustrate and upset us, it is essential that we focus on what they have done and never demean them as people. They need to understand why their behaviour is a problem.
- Lashing out, telling them they are bad, or stupid or impossible becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
- Physical punishment does not promote close relationships or good behaviour. It creates emotional distance, confusion, and either fearful obedience or defiant disobedience
- Give children lots of positive feedback when they are doing what we want them to do. If they only get attention when they misbehave, that is what they will do.
- Allow children to feel what they feel. Teach them how to cope in a healthy way with negative feelings.
- If we tell them their negative feelings are bad, they will feel bad about themselves and won’t tell you about them anymore.
- Monitor your children’s media exposure. Many TV shows and movies degrade women–sometimes in very subtle ways– and many many video games promote violence against women. Explain in no uncertain terms, that violence against women is absolutely unacceptable. Be critical of the media you consume and teach your children to do the same.
- If you feel confused about your parenting, as so many of us do, consider joining a local parenting course such as Nobody’s Perfect.
- Children absorb everything they see. They need to see their parents respecting each other and treating each other in a kind and caring way
- When children observe insulting, demeaning or violent behaviour between the adults in their home, they become frightened, very confused and feel unsafe.
- A significant proportion of abusive men, and women who are abused come from abusive families.
- If abuse is occurring in your house, you MUST seek help.
As I said before, parenting is one way to stop the cycle of violence against women.
This does not mean we don’t have to address the societal, legal, economic, political and religious systems that allow or encourage the violence.
But we can all do what we can in our own homes and families.
Here’s hoping that our children see a world free from violence!
