“I hate them! I hate this party! They’re not my friends anymore. I wanna go home and I wanna see my mom. I wanna see my Dad. I’m going away. I’m never going to play with them again. I hate them!”
With his little body tense with frustration and rage and tears streaming down his face, little Isaiah stormed away from the birthday party in the park where he had, just seconds ago, been enjoying himself immensely.
Isaiah is my daughter’s partner’s son.
He was visiting his grandparents here in Nelson, I don’t see him very often, but we have a sweet relationship and I really love him. So I thought, while he was here, I’d spend some time with him and take him to see the performance of Mary Poppins playing at the local theater.
We made a date to go to the play, but first he had plans to his attend very good friend’s six year-
old birthday party in the park. I was going to meet him in the park at the end of the party. When I got there, the kids were all running around high on birthday cake and the excitement of a party. Everyone was happy.
Then the piñata came out.
Personally, I’m not a big fan of piñatas. They tend to bring out the “survival of the fittest” – the fastest, oldest and sometimes more aggressive kids get the most of the piñatas contents while the quiet, shy ones, get stunned, and get very little. It can all get worked out afterward, but it can be kind of dicey.
Anyway, the piñata came out and all the kids very dutifully lined up to take their turns.
As the piñata began to break, the quick kids made a mad dash to get the items that fell. Then when the whole thing broke… it was pandemonium. Isaiah was right in there with everyone, filling his little container and grabbing as much as he could.
Then calamity struck…. he dropped his container.
Everything fell out. And the other kids made a mad dash for “his” collection. Isaiah howled with shock and anger, “That’s mine, that’s mine!!” But Isaiah’s protests fell on the deaf ears of a hyped-up bunch of kids.
In a moment, it was all gone.
“I hate you! I hate you” he screamed!
Off he stormed, full speed ahead. And off I went after him.
In my area of expertise, I’m no stranger to dealing with the upset in children and I’ve spent a lot of time advising parents how to deal with strong feelings in their kids. I do know that when kids fall apart like this, it’s usually a build up of a lot of small frustrations and one more frustration can put them over the edge.
Isaiah had hit that place.
Isaiah was experiencing colossally strong feelings and I haven’t personally had to deal with a situation like this for a long time. He was really hurting and I needed to provide some serious emotional first aid.
As I mentioned, we have a sweet relationship, but from his perspective, I am not in the really “significant other” league like his parents or grandparents. My capacity to help him through this was somewhat limited by the nature of our connection.
I put my arm around him. He wasn’t ready for that.
HIs angry, shocked, despairing, frustrated words and tears, kept pouring out.
I knew it was important to validate his feelings. “I’m sorry that happened Isaiah. You are really angry. That just felt awful. That was so disappointing. You are really upset.” and I continued on in the same vein.
He paused for a moment in his stride and leaned into me. He knew that he was “heard” and that I understood what he was feeling.
I put my arms around him lightly. “If you want, we can go back and ask the kids to give you back your things.” He pulled away. He wasn’t ready for that yet. I had moved too fast.
“No! I hate them. I never want to play with them again. I’m going right now.” And off he went again. I stopped him.
“Isaiah, I know you are very very angry and upset. If you really want to go we can. But if you want to go, we have to go together. and we have to go back to the party to get your car seat and backpack.”
“I don’t want them.”
“We can’t leave without them.“
He paused. He could tell from my tone that leaving without his car seat and his backpack was not an option. We would need to go back to the party to get them. He seemed a little calmer so I offered another option.
One way to help kids with their strong feelings is to help them see that there are ways we can “move through” strong feelings and choose to do things that help us feel better. (This is an important skill for adults as well so WE don’t get stuck in negative feelings!)
“Isaiah, I know you feel really really awful. And you’re missing your Dad and your Mom. So let’s think right now. What could we do to help you feel better? There is always something that can help us feel better when we feel bad.”
As I was thinking of things to suggest or do that could make Isaiah feel better, my phone rang. It was Isaiah’s Dad. Perfect!
“It’s your Dad, Isaiah!” His face lit up. He got on the phone and told the whole story – fairly calmly. And as he was speaking, the party boy’s mom came with Isaiah’s container in her hand. Turns out she had called his Dad and told him what was happening.
After Isaiah said goodbye to his Dad, she turned to him and said, “Here Isaiah. We collected most of your things for you.”
“Thanks for doing that. It was perfect” I said to her.
Isaiah very carefully looked through the container.
His very astute memory quickly assessed the contents for what was missing. And yes some things were missing. He was not happy about that, but he wasn’t nearly as upset as before. The three of us talked a bit about how everyone had to give some things to other kids to make it fair. He wasn’t thrilled about that but accepted it. He was pretty calm. I breathed a sigh of relief – “I think I’ll go back to the party now.”
Isaiah said.
Let’s look at this situation objectively. Here’s what happened.
• A major emotional upset which resulted in very strong feelings being expressed in words, body language, tears and action (storming off)
• A moment of decision for me as the responsible adult. I had to prevent him from storming out of the park and I wanted him to feel better. I had a choice about how to approach him
• I could have been firm and angry “Stop right now and get back to the party.”
• I could have been dismissive of his feelings. “It’s not such a big deal. It’s only a few little cheap toys. You don’t have to cry about it”
• I could have made him ashamed of his feelings “ Don’t be such a baby. Why are you crying about such a stupid thing?”
Would any of these approaches “work” to calm him down? Possibly.
Would any of them have helped Isaiah learn how to deal with negative feelings and situations? I don’t think so.
Keeping a longer term view in mind, I chose to:
• Stay calm
• Acknowledge the intensity of his feelings – recognizing that he didn’t just lose all his “goodies”, he was also away from home and missing his parents.
• Be physically very present and offering him physical affection if he wanted it.
• Offer him some choices – he could go back and ask the kids to give back his things.
• Set some boundaries around how he could express his feelings – he could not leave the park on his own. We could not leave together without his car seat and backpack.
• Once the feelings were all expressed and accepted, offering the idea that when you feel bad, there are things you can do to help yourself feel better. As well, I received support from the party boys’ mom and Isaiah’s father.
So we had a happy ending after all.
Children and adults are very emotional beings. When we are given bad news or hurtful things are said to us, our feelings can instantly get intense. That’s what happened with Isaiah.
There’s little we can do about that. It’s hardwired into our physiology. But we do have choices about how we deal with those feelings. Most of us, as adults, don’t handle emotions well. We may stuff them inside because we don’t know how, or don’t feel safe to express them. Later, we may explode or get sick.
We may get stuck in them. We stay in bad moods for hours or days on end. We hold on to resentment for weeks or years, even decades. We take our feelings out on others – often the people we love the most. We gossip, we tell hurtful stories about people. We act meanly and insensitively to others. We lash out
aggressively. On the big stage, we go to war.
Learning to deal with emotions, ours and others’, is probably the biggest challenge we have.
As parents, grandparents, teachers, or “significant others’ in children’s lives, it’s our job and responsibility to be emotional coaches for our kids. What happened with Isaiah happens every day in one form or another with all children.
It’s a challenge for us because WE feel yucky when our kids get upset.
However, when we have a framework to guide us on how to handle it, we are able to deal with our own feelings better, and guide our children to a happier, more resilient future I encourage you to become familiar with the emotion coaching framework. You will feel more empowered in your parenting role, and much more confident when your child hits the inevitable rough patches.
And sometimes you may get the occasional piñata treats at the end.
